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JevInstincts
I'm probably at my best when I'm shoveling out a tall tale, or pretending I'm as intelligent as of one George Bush's speech writers This long preamble is all about a little strip of cloth that proudly validates my place amongst the oratorical elite. You see over my couple weeks off at Christmas I was forced to do some cleaning in the basement. So I did what any normal man would do in my situation: I pulled out a couple of boxes, dumped them out and spent hours and hours cleaning up (I spent hours looking at the mess I had made). Eventually I picked up the contents of one box and sorted them into another similar but different box, and as I was performing this important migration I found my hallowed ribbon. I had forgotten about this little beauty (how could this be!). Best Speaker. Not goodest speaker, or Nice job speaking, but best speaker. Granted, best is entirely subjective, and I would never in all honesty put myself in the best category. Goodest bullshitter - yes, best speaker - no. However, life being what it is, sometimes you get things you don't deserve and you just accept them and say thanks. How did I earn this honour you ask? I spoke about the greatest invention ever. Better than the wheel, more influential than the intaglio press, more revolutionary than Velcro shoe laces. Many of those I was competing against (make no mistake this is some serious ca-ca ladies and gentlemen, public speaking is a contact sport) spoke about polio vaccines, trips to the moon, and the women's suffrage movement. Me? I talked about the flush toilet. It never cured the lame, or brought an end to world hunger, but it's brought relief to millions and that in and of itself is a reason to celebrate. I am a hell of a speaker, now all I need to do learn to write. I'm getting close. I've mastered all 26 letters, and am working hard on grouping them into pleasing combinations that will amaze and baffle people. Who knows, maybe one day I'll have a best writer ribbon to go with this one. Hey, you never know, stranger things have happened. Next time you flush think of me, and give thanks you're not sitting on a wooden bench with a hole cut in it for convenience. Jevon the Tall IMPORTANT EDITORIAL NOTE TO THE READER please be warned that I use minor profanity in this edition. Normally I eschew such language, as it's the poor man's communication tool, but I couldn't find anything in my pocket thesaurus for bullshitter, so I had to use the bad word. Hopefully I didn't offend those with sensitive eyes. |
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People
are always telling me I'm full of crap. I'll bet you're thinking I'm
full of crap too. To which I can only offer this rebuttal: You people
just don't appreciate the finer points of good bullshitting.