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January
2003
People are always telling
me I'm full of crap. I'll bet you're thinking I full of crap too.
To which I can only offer this rebuttal: You people just don't
appreciate the finer points of good bullshitting. I'm probably
at my best when I'm shoveling out a tall tale, or pretending I'm
as intelligent as of one George Bush's speech writers. |
February
2003
Look, let me
help you with a couple of things right now, and save you a lot
of potential problems later on in life. Love is one of those things
that either happens or doesn't. When it does, it's not like being
hit by lightning - that's infatuation. Love is like being hit
by a really big bus, and then being dragged along the road of
life, with only a little red smear to mark your passing. That's
love. John Cougar Mellencramp pretty much summed it up, "Come
on baby, make it hurt so good." |
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March
2003
One of the drawbacks
of being Canadian (besides a brutally pathetic dollar), it means
I have no tangible sense of national identity. The closest we've
come over the last few years in terms of cultural lightning
rods have been beer commercials, and Tim Hortons. I
may be one of a nation of brainwashed Canucks who wander through
life thinking that coffee and donuts really do go together.
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April
I gave it a little thought
and proudly proclaimed that the green water was a fancy punch
called Monkey Juice. It had to sit for a couple of days for the
flavour to set in. Of
course this news was met with a rousing chorus of yippee! Unless
they were saying "it looks like pee." Whatever the case
I poured the mixture into their Pokemon cups and watched them
down the concoction. |
May
2003
Well I was at work today,
and my eyes were feeling like hell so I figured I'd go to the
can and put some ointment on to soothe the burning. So I grad
the tube of angel's kisses (well that's how it feels!) and as
I walk down the hall to the men's room a buddy of mine stops me,
and looks at the tube in my hand and gives me a weird look.
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June
2003
Okay, this isn't going
to be easy, but dang it, I'M THE DAD. Over six and a half feet
of parental authority, and I easily out weigh her by well over
200 pounds. I hold her down and dribble the medicine in through
he clenched teeth. She's gacking and making the kind of fuss a
sack of cats might make (don't ask me how I know). But I'm not
giving an inch. I'm making slow but good progress, but in my haste
to get the last bit in, I squirt in too much. I trigger her gag
reflex and she does a passing impressing of Old Faithful. I admire
the stream of half digested dinner as it arch up and over my lap,
and lands on my wife. |
July
2003
I’m not a sore loser,
not by any stretch of the imagination, but I am a hell of a winner.
I love to win. Truth be told I don’t get the chance very often,
so I have to console myself with being a gracious loser, but in
my heart of hearts I want to be the guy who can be a condescending
winner. |
August
2003
All of the signs of my advancing years are beginning to show up.
I get agitated and shake my fist when kids in their hot cars (anything
that's not a station wagon or a mini van) pass me. I don't like
loud music blaring - unless it's my old fart music blaring. I'm
finding gray hair on my chin, and am starting to complain about
how things used to be when I was younger. |
September
2003
Table manners
are important. Knowing what to do and when to do it, and all that
stuff is important. As many of you know I have a seriously unheathly
fascination with juvenile humour. Especially noises. Burping and
such (see how I used my discretion and didn't say fart?) are high
on my list of the funniest things on earth. Having kids has given
me a new lease on life, and has also created what can only be
described as the great divide at the dinner table. Those with
manners, and those without. So far on the side with manners is
my wife. A sterling example of all that is good, and on the other
side there's me and the kids. Poster children for bad behaviour.
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October
2003
The Gee
Just Thongs concert featured the musical and story telling
talents of Theo Obrastoff. Theo is a man of great passion who
told the story of his son Andrew who passed away a couple of years
ago from cystic fibrosis at the wizened age of fifteen. Theo managed
to tell the tale without being maudlin and really demonstrated
the strength not only of how a parent faces the horror of losing
a child, but of how faith and love can overcome any obstacle.
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November
2003
Food colouring
should come with a warning label. It wouldn’t have to be anything
as large and scary like the stickers on a pack of smokes. Something
small, but it would have to state unequivocally that what goes
in coloured has a very high probability of coming out coloured.
Allow me to go backup
a few days and set this one up properly. I’m not going back
as far as Halloween, but close: it’s the day after. There’s
a tradition in our house where the daddy (me) makes a tasty
breakfast at least every other Saturday. Said breakfast to include
waffles, pancakes, berries, whipped cream, scrambled eggs, coffee
and juice. Occasionally bacon and sausages will make an appearance
(hmmm bacon).
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December
2003
That's all
folks. Stick a fork in me I'm done. I'm too lazy to keep this
part of the site up, so I'm packing up my things and calling it
a day. |
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January
2002
Despite
the portents, my wife and I decided we were going to have an adventure
whether the kids cooperated or not. This I like to refer to as
exerting parental control. So we piled the kids (screaming) into
their seats, buckled them in (overcoming the amazing back arching
ability of our little girl) and headed off to enjoy the day.
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June
2002
It's been interesting trying to go through all
the crap that makes up banophernalia.com - I was hoping to go
over all the pages and clean them up, and make everything look
pretty. As you can tell, I mostly got there, but ran out of steam. |
July
2002
We've
all seen it, heard about it, and for a select few of us - even
been there. It is the closest celestial object in the heavens,
and since the dawn of time it has held a special place in our
imaginations. Wolves, dogs, coyotes and engineering students howl
at it. Writers write about it. Singers sing about it. Once it
was even thought to be made of cheese. |
August
2002
What
got this whole "time to leave Never Never Land" train
of thought chugging along was the realization that my children
are going to need a role model to look up to, and emulating dad
burping the alphabet, and being able to fart on command may not
necesarily be the life skills I want to leave as my legacy. Mostly
because it's too hard to teach the fart skill. |
December
2002
Holy crap - this has been a poor year for consistency
at banophernalia.com - next year I really have to be more diligent. |
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January
2001
My wife obviously
mistook my dazed look for helplessness, rather than my "oh
look fire" look (I've always had a thing for fire - fire
good - ask my mom, she'll vouch for me). Just as the table cloth
was starting to get in on the act my wife pushed me aside and
saved the day. |
February
2001
I was about
to reply that God's a pretty all encompassing feller, and I'm
sure he could fit my humble request into his busy day. I decided
that I'd tell my wife she was right. Although secretly I was still
holding out hope that God would come through for me on the side. |
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March
2001
I blame
the media. Radio in particular - AM radio. When I was a kid
AM radio played music. Now all it's good for is talk radio.
Station after station of thought provoking pot stirring arm-chair
yokels who know about as much about navel gazing as the captain
of the USS Greeneville.
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April
2001
... the world
has become a more beautiful place. Just about everyone looks the
same at 15 feet. Which is a good thing. The other one is how much
fun it is to drive now. Cars parked on the right side are part
of an obstacle course. A bump is a sure sign to more over more
to the left. |
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May
2001
The other
day my four year old son was sitting on the crapper doing his
business. "I'm done!" he yells. I go in to do my fatherly
duty, and he says to me, "Dad, do you think God could turn
me into a snake?"
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June
2001
To celebrate
we unpacked, had a few beers, a little cognac, and chewed the
fat. Oh yeah, and we ate most of a big ass bag of chips. After
a while we hit the sack, and dreamed happy dreams of burping farting,
and fishing. At least I'm assuming that's what the other guys
dreamed of too. |
July
2001
Lately I've
been looking over my dusty school annual, and have come to the
realization I had more fun in school than I remember, and had
many more friends than I realized. I moved away from my home town
a long time ago, and only kept in touch with a couple of people.
Other than that I never looked back. Now I wish I had been able
to hold on to more of those golden relationships. |
August
2001
I'm going
to dispel some old wive's tales this time out. Over the last nine
months I have been subjected to about a hundred (if I was actually
counting it would be closer to about five or six) different guesses
as to the sex of our new baby - all backed up by a full-proof
predictor. |
September
2001
Like any self
respecting male there are a few household chores I excel at -
taking out the garbage (well, maybe not excel, but it gets out
once a week), vacuuming (definitely don't excel, but I know where
it is), and as necessitiy dictates I can do the laundry. In fact
at this task I do excel. I'm quite proud of the fact that I can
do laundry in half the time my wife does. |
December
2001
When I want to learn about the magic of Christmas
I only have to look to my children. Everything about Christmas
is cool. Even the oranges are fun at Christmas. Hey kids, let
me peel an orange for you and make an elephant out of the skin
- if that's not cool you're missing out.
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January
2000
Will
my car start? Will my coffee maker work? Will my toaster toast?
Will my doorbell ring? I work in the IT industry, and from what
I've seen this whole Y2K thing is about the biggest non starter
I've ever seen hyped. It's right up there with the last Cher
album.
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February
2000
If
there's a silver lining to being sick it's the fun you can have
with nasal excreta. Oh, be warned, I'm about to get disgusting.
Yup, I'm gonna write about snot this month. You'd think that I'd
go on about love and all it's associated glory since it is February
and all. Nah. |
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March
2000
I've
come to the conclusion that the average person couldn't communicate
his way out of a paper bag. Oh we talk pretty good. I'm pretty
sure that there are more diplomas and degrees around now than
ever (everybody knows that skool mades you smurt).
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April
2000
You
can call me Bigfoot. I've got big feet. And you know what they
say about big feet. Yup, you need big shoes. Naturally this
sad thought sent my brain off to go boldly where no thoughts
should go. What if . . .
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May
2000
Funny,
when we first start out on this journey there's a mad rush to
collect stuff. Every trinket and bauble has some emotional significance,
and garages the world over are full of priceless bric-a-brac
that cannot be parted with. At some point the realization hits
home that it's just stuff.
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June
2000
I
live in a nice suburban neighbourhood, and being in Canada there's
an abundance of tree farms - so naturally most people have real
trees at Christmas (for those of you who are not familiar with
the concept of tree farming it's pretty bizarre. There are whole
communities built around the industry. Paul Bunyan is their
patron saint.
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July
2000
For
whatever reason the powers that be at United Way decided this
year's T-shirt would be red. Not just any red either - it was
the most dreaded red of them all: Security Officer red.
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August
2000
"I
want my new car!" I get the car and bring it to him. A
few moments later I hear an odd splash, followed closely by
"Daddy, can you get my car?" Ordinarily I would have
put on a glove and retrieved his car. I looked in the bowl -
there was no way I was going to put my hand in that.
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September
2000
Not
all men are good drivers. Don't get me wrong, I'm a man, and despite
my prowess behind the wheel I can't automatically assume that
all men are good drivers. Hold on, perhaps I can. |
October
2000
I'm
doing what any good son would do who has a father who is facing
a lopsided battle with cancer. I've been challenging the old fart
to golf as often as possible. Skins at that. The way I see it
is that as he gets more and more feeble my chances at winning
get better and better. |
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November
2000
I'm
no Joseph Pujol, but I can fart out a couple of notes (I can
play name that tune, so long as you can name it in three notes
or less). No sooner had I embarked on the opening notes of "Oh
Canada" when my oldest son (who is nearly four, and knows everything)
reached over and grabbed my arm. "You say excuse me Daddy."
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December
2000
I'm not one of those people who puts up
the tree in November, and puts on the Elvis Christmas album
right after Halloween and plays it until February. I'm just
a guy who likes Christmas.
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January
1999
My single
greatest wish is to write one, possibly two great dark and prophetic
works. Something that will make people sit down and take
notice. A work that would make Eric Arthur Blair proud. |
February
1999
Ever wonder
why we give flowers and candy to our loved ones for Valentine's
Day? |
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March
1999
"Pooh
stories. Jevon all you ever write about is stuff that
comes out of your bum." I tried to defend myself saying
that I am only trying to provide economy class social satire.
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April
1999
Spelling
doesn't matter, so long as the name is spelled differently than
any other child's name. So Bob can be spelled Bauhbe,
but he may only answer to Raughburte.
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May
1999
He started
banging the wall with his hammer, and I tried doing the 1 –
2 – 3 thing, and wasn’t getting anywhere. So I snapped
at him. He stopped and stood there looking at me.
His big blue eyes suddenly started filling with tears.
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June
1999
Last
month people all over North America taking their hands out to
dinner and a movie in recognition of past service. Office
water coolers were hot spots of activity. "So Bob, have
you been observing Masturbation Month?"
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July
1999
.
. . a number of my colleagues found it very funny that I was
part of a clean air initiative. One person thought that
I was doing some sort of community service. Another just
laughed and thought it was rather ironic that I of all people
was promoting clean air.
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August
1999
It's
not every day I can get my wife excited about the consistency
of a bowel movement – not mine mind you, but it's still kind
of fun to see her eyes light up when the gaffer has produced
a truly Herculean effort. How the boy manages to turn
milk into mustard is a mystery akin to that of turning lead
into gold. What is truly amazing is that it doesn't stink.
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September
1999
Looking
through my little black book I've come to conclusion that having
a trunk load of ideas isn't anything special. It's being
able to do something with those precious little nuggets that
separates the myrmidon from boys.
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October
1999
Psychologists
are always arguing over nature/ nurture stuff, not to mention
all of the intellectual camps that rally around this guy and
that theory. Myself, I'm fond of the Big Sponge Theory.
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November
1999
I'd like
to dedicate this month's blurb to a friend who passed away suddenly.
Grant, this one's for you. Life is a funny bunny - strange
how you can know a person, and when they're gone you suddenly
realize you knew so very little, and missed so much.
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December
1999
Christmas
is a wonderful time. It brings out the best in all of us (except
in the mall parking lots of the world) and there is something
magical in the air (sometimes it's nothing more than shades
of my lunch). I have a lot of fun with the Santa part of it
with my kids, but I haven't forgotten what it's really about.
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June
98
Buses are a rolling
caste system. The front of the bus is for the elderly and
families, the middle of the bus, professionals and others that
can drive but are forced to take transit, then there's the back
where I like to slum (well and the fact that there's more leg
room doesn't hurt). This is where all of the societal detritus
congregates. |
July
98
To be honest peeing
is peeing, whether standing, sitting, swimming, or in rare cases
walking. The big deal today had to do with the sudden appearance
of not one, or two, but three new urinal pucks. |
August
98
What he had
done in a sense was set up a human Maginot Line - (one the French
would have been proud to have had), all I could do was try and
cover up as best as I could and hope that the old man would (pardon
the obvious pun) run out of gas soon. |
September
98
Where ever
you live there are countless ways of doing something positive
that'll touch your life, and the lives of those around you.
Take a look around you, give a little back. |
October
98
Can
you imagine having to go pee, and having to dig out not one, but
five or six weenie doodads, and not knowing which one was going
to squirt? |
November
98
I'm sitting
in my den with the curtains closed while I ponder the rapidly
approaching new world order. I am scared by what I see as
the inevitable dehumanization of our society. |
December
98
Daddy fix it.
Three little words. It got me thinking. If only I
could fix everything with a little bit of glue and tape. |
